Grieving a parent who’s still alive: Going no-contact, parental estrangement, and complex grief
Holding space for grief, healing, and self-trust.
If you’re preparing to go no-contact with a parent, or already have, you might be feeling a grief that few people talk about. A grief that isn’t tied to a funeral or condolences but to unspoken words, years of trying to be seen and heard, and the heartache of what should have been.
You might be experiencing feelings of betrayal from their treatment of you and a loss of family connection, identity, and support, even if these were never previously given freely or often.
You might be feeling grief for the family you yearned for but never had.
If you’re in this place right now, please know that while this part of the journey can feel so deeply isolating, you are not alone. You are so welcome in this space, and if it feels supportive to do so, please reach out.
The layers of grief from going no-contact with a parent
The grief that comes with death can be complex. Grieving a parent who is still alive is complex in a completely different way. The loss and sadness can come with a tangled mix of guilt, anger, relief, longing, and even hope that refuses to fully disappear. It’s a grief that shifts: sometimes heavy, sometimes quiet, but always present in some form.
This grief is a form of disenfranchised grief: a grief that is not openly acknowledged or socially validated. When someone loses a parent to an expected or understood death, there is a period of mourning, rituals of remembrance, and support from others.
But when a person has to make the harrowing choice to step away from a parent to protect themselves, that loss is sometimes met with skepticism, judgement, or silence. Society tends to uphold the belief that parents are inherently loving, that family bonds should always be preserved, and that estrangement is a lack of ‘trying’ rather than a painful but necessary choice.
Yet, going no contact is not done lightly. It often comes after years of trying, hoping, and exhausting every possibility for repair. It is not punishment; it is about self-preservation. About acknowledging that continuing a relationship would mean continued harm.
You might grieve some of all of these:
The version of them you wished they could be
The childhood you needed but didn’t have
The milestones you won’t share with them
The stories you can’t tell because they wouldn’t be received with care
The longing for a repair that may never come
The loss of connection to family of origin and your history.
Why going no-contact can be necessary and healing
Going no contact with a parent is one of the hardest decisions a person can make. Society often resists the idea that cutting ties with a parent could be a healthy or necessary step. The pressure to maintain family bonds, no matter the cost, can make estrangement feel even lonelier.
But for many, choosing to go no contact is a pure act of survival. It is a step towards reclaiming agency over your life and prioritising your wellbeing. It can be a way of repairing trust with your younger self - the part of you that needed protection, care, and safety, and who now needs to know that the adult you can provide that.
For some, staying in contact means being repeatedly harmed, dismissed, or manipulated. It can mean constantly shrinking yourself to fit into a dynamic that erodes your sense of self.
Navigating social events while grieving being no-contact
One of the hardest parts of this grief is how invisible it can feel. When people ask about your family at social gatherings, at work, or in casual conversation, the question can land like a weight on your chest.
“What do your parents think?”
“Are you going home for the holidays?”
“Oh, I’m sure they love you deep down.”
These moments can feel isolating. The world often assumes that parent-child relationships are meant to be unconditional, always repairable, always worth holding onto. That “blood is thicker than water”. But sometimes, the most loving thing (or the only thing) you can do, is to let go.
And that’s a reality not everyone understands.
Finding your way through disenfranchised grief
You don’t have to justify your decision to step away. You don’t need permission to grieve a parent who is still living. And you are not alone in this experience, even if it sometimes feels like you are.
There is no single way to grieve a parent who is still alive. But here are some ways you might explore feeling, expressing, and moving through the grief…
Some things that might help as you grieve:
Naming your grief for what it is. It’s real, even if it’s not widely acknowledged.
Creating rituals of release. Writing letters you don’t send, speaking your unspoken words out in nature, lighting a candle on days that feel heavy, or finding creative outlets like painting or music can help externalise the emotions you carry.
Finding chosen family. Connection doesn’t have to come from those we are born to, it can be found in friendships, in mentors, in those who truly see and support you.
Tending to your younger self. Holding space for your inner child who may still long for love, validation, or safety. Speaking to them with compassion and reassuring them that you will continue to protect and nurture them.
Seeking support. A counsellor or therapist who understands this unique type of grief can provide space for you to process the emotions without judgement. They can help you navigate the complexities of estrangement and support you in finding your own path forward.
Allowing all of your emotions to exist. It’s okay to feel relief. It’s okay to feel love. It’s okay to feel the grief. It’s okay to feel all of these at once - they may co-exist within you for a time.
You are not alone 💛
This grief is real, and it matters. There is no “right” way to navigate it, no timeline for when it should feel lighter. But you don’t have to hold it all alone.
Take care of your heart. Be gentle with yourself.
If this resonates with you and you're seeking support in navigating this grief, I’d love to walk alongside you. I have also navigated this grief, and continue to navigate it across my life. And if you need a space to explore this grief, to feel witnessed in it without judgement, I’m here to hold that space with you.
Within 1:1 sessions, we explore gentle, body-based approaches to help you process the weight of this loss, rebuild self-trust, and expand your capacity to move through stress with more ease. There’s no right way to grieve, but you don’t have to do it alone. If this feels like the kind of support you need, you’re always welcome to reach out.
Jasmin 💛
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